I have had such an interesting beginning to 2014...just over 3 years ago I lost my Mum and then within 5 months I lost one of my best friends and cousins and not long after that I had an incredible car accident...which spiralled me into grief, trauma and the reliving of death.
So grieving with an intention of being healthy and well and emotionally intelligent has been with me as I have journeyed the last 3 or so years...at times it has been messy, sad, challenging.....however would I change it...NO WAY...yes I wish things were different...I WISH...I could ring my Mum up and say hello, hold her hand and say all will be ok...lie on the end of her bed once more and chat like I had never done before...have a cup of tea with Carol...and plan our future life in Bendigo living next door to each other as whacky old women...AND DEFINITELY not have the memories and trauma of the accident (I do add here that the memories and trauma are far from me now which is lovely) but I don't have a crystal ball, or a magic potion or a wand to say it could be all so so different. And I am glad...life in the last however many years has been some of my most challenging, but some of my most rewarding and loving...I AM SUCH A DIFFERENT ROBYN BULL because of the last 3 years and the experiences had and felt...and I could shout it to the moon...In my journey with grief - I came across a quote by Clarissa Pinkola Estes from her book, Women Who Run With The Wolves...
Telling and grieving resurrect us from the dead zone. We can grieve and grieve hard, and come out of it tear-stained, rather than shame-stained. We can come out deepened, fully acknowledged, and filled with new life.
So my new grief - is the grief of someone dear and close...who hasnt died....the stopping (quite suddenly and abrubtly the ending of the relationship)...because of a total misunderstanding...misconception of values...integrity...and old old stuff...
I caught up with a very old 'bestie' just yesterday and he asked re this relationship and I had the most amazing feelings and emotions come up...(GRIEF) and after a few moments, some tears and truth I said 'I am actually ok' it is just coming to terms with a different grief, an unusual grief...a grief without a plan...a grief of someone you will never stop loving, but life has taken a different course, a different direction with a different outcome or future. My biggest challenge has been a gamut of emotions, the shock, the ongoing missing of time, the person, and the loved ones associated near and dear, dealing with the pain, the memories, the loss, etc. But life has a way of weaving it's magic...yesterday I knew in a beauty-full way - I AM OK...no matter what I AM ACTUALLY TRULY OK...and feeling my awesome feelings is what keeps me connected and real and grounded and moving and writing these words.
I also love how some things end and others begin...in all the endings of the last however many years I have a new relationship firstly with myself and secondly with a newish partner which has in its totality love on many many levels and layers and these layers offer me so many new learnings and opportunities. These two new relationships allow me to shine and sparkle and to be a better me. And this I am grateful.
So no matter what life gifts you and I say GIFT - it truly is a gift - yes we may want to go in fighting, kicking and screaming as it doesn't feel like a GIFT all wrapped up with a pretty bow - (me included), but let me tell you these times are some of your greatest learnings...ASK - HOW CAN YOU BE A BETTER YOU? HOW CAN YOU STILL SPARKLE WHEN YOU DONT FEEL SO SPARKLY? HOW CAN YOU STAY IN YOUR PURPOSE AND PASSION AND KEEP YOUR 2 FEET ON THE GROUND. I am learning through this process that grieving the loss of someone living is probably one of our hardest gifts, but you know...I am so very very grateful of the memories, the time spent, the love and NOW the new chapters..that have a different way...and the other incredible gift about life and living - everything is perfect!!! I have also enclosed a quote below about PEACE - and this quote has helped me to centre, ground and be - life does have dramas, noise, trouble, hard work, stress etc. but it is what we do in the midst of all that life brings and still be calm and with yourself.
PEACE - It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.
So thank you for allowing me to be honest, to share and to shine a different light...Keep being amazing...sparkle on...and be the best that you can be...
With love from Robyn xo